Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Bride Brain

You may have heard of "pregnancy brain". Apparently women (who, let's admit, if they're anything like me, are already a little nutso...) get pretty nutter butter when pregnant, due to hormones, stress, lots going on and such. They put the juice in the cabinet instead of the fridge, etc.

Well, I'm sure I'm not the first documented case, but I've come down with a case of "Bride Brain", and bad.

Last week at work, I could not remember if I was 26 or 27 with any certainty, and almost started crying. Oh yes. (For the record, I think I'm 26).

On a Wednesday, I was thinking about my first dress-fitting, that Saturday. And then, and only then, did I remember: I don't have my dress! Granted, thankfully, it's picked out and all, but I just hadn't been called to say that it had come in. Who knew where it is! I frantically called the bridal shop, and they said it wasn't in yet, but had definitely made it to New York. Crap. I'd have to reschedule the fitting and pray that we'd get it all done before the dang ceremony! The shop called an hour later to say that my dress had come in. PHEW. One lucky bride, I am.

But who can blame me, with the pressure and stress that surrounds this occasion that is so beautiful and romantic at its core. Dang the media and (certain) vendors who lure me to lose sight of that!

For example, look at this HORRENDOUS paid advertisement:

From BRIDES Magazine, January 2011
(Click to embiggen)

Let me guide you through it.

They want to help me "rock" my dress a.k.a. look fabulous on my wedding day. Okay, I'm on board! Awesome goal! Should I let my natural glow come through? Exude confidence about my gorgeous self? Think about the man I'm going to marry and smile?

Apparently not.

Bride, leading up to your wedding, you should "wear a thin ribbon tightly around your waist as an accessory, or under your clothes. If you start to feel the ribbon tightening, slow down!" Seriously. So when your stomach starts naturally expanding, AS IT SHOULD when you fill it with food (nutritionally-dense or otherwise), stop eating, you pig! How dare you let physics control you! This also sounds like a great way to give yourself heartburn and/or make breathing painful. Lovely.

And also, dear Bride, who cares what you actually like to drink? At the bar, "avoid brown liquors" because of their fattening tendencies, and choose a glass of red wine.

And we conclude with an ad for a boot camp. Shocking.

I get it. Everyone, including grooms and guests, wants to look great on the wedding day. I'm just saying, there are healthier, more positive ways to get there.

And though I love my alterations lady, she told me to stop working out, for fear that my shoulders would bulk up. Stop. Working. Out. The only thing that keeps me sane right now! (Okay, somewhat sane- you got me.) And not to mention HEALTHY! So I should settle for poor health just in case I get some awesome shoulder muscles? Do you think the tailor told RightHand the same thing? HAHAHAHA.

So I've mentioned the bridal magazines, and their complicity in causing Bride Brain. Well, here we have the knot magazine recommending certain dresses for certain goals. This first one is easy enough to understand:

She wants her dress to be unique. Cool! Yay!
(Those giant chess pieces are pretty rad, so you are on your way, girl!)

This next one, however...

She wants to pee by herself. You go girl?

I get it. I truly do. Puffy wedding dresses call for assistants in the bathroom, and some women aren't comfortable with that.

But there's something about the script font. The balloons. The everything. To quote the amazing Lewis Black... This is when the left side of the brain looks at the right side of the brain and says, "It's dark in here. And we may die." I mean, I'm dreaming of peeing by myself? Is this what my life has become?

So many reasons to be crazy. Plus, there's that sugar high from cake tastings (or is it, "thank God there's cake"?):

Cake samples in my fridge after a bridal show
(Don't tell BRIDES magazine!!!)

But truly, thank God, there is my sweet, wonderful groom, who writes wedding checks with this memo line:

Yep, sometimes I like him. ;)

Needless to say, Friday Fotos, Caturdays, and Bundays, and likely blogs in general, are on hold until I regain my sanity/have a wedding ring on my hand. :)

Thanks for all of your love and support.

'Til next time...!


ACE said...

i think you need to have righthand use the saying "happy wife, happy life". it is jason's motto :) good luck at your wedding!!!

Kristen Shockley said...

The memo line on the checks is the cutest thing ever!

XOXO Dr. Kay Elizabeth said...

God bless your wedding!

Randy said...

OMG, what a cute post. I hope your Reagan brain is back in gear! (And we already know you looked FABULOUS at your wedding)