Monday, September 24, 2007

name change

why the hell am I typing on my blog right now? Maybe because social life is based around technology now and it just sucks. sucks suck sucks. I'm so angry at so many different things now, including myself.

My post below seems IRONIC. I thought I knew what lost was. Now I really do.


So many lost opportunities, lost hours, lost days, lost nights, lost sleep, lost smiles, lost love...

Quote from Pilot

"I laugh at my fellow Indonesian pilots. Of course they come to his defense in this crash with the words that 'it was an act of God.' Maybe they are right.... God says you want to be a dumb shit, you deserve to die."

This was from a friend of a family friend who went to fly out of Indonesia (don't know why). But it cracked me up. There was a lot of pain, tears, and sweet words in his e-mail about the crash, but these blunt words were my favorite.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Stolen Moments

So I thought I wouldn't blog about him. But it's just overwhelming right now.

I went surfing around on the Internet. which I often do, to the random sites I have bookmarked. And I found where he joined in on an intellectual discussion about being a Christian. And I was simultaneously proud and sad.

Proud because he can always hold his own. At dinner parties, on blogs, with me, etc. The man is intelligent and well-spoken (although maybe he even is better in Times New Roman because the verbal words can get a little drawn out sometimes...) But with love in my ears and heart, I always listen, and truly care.

Sad because he doesn't often share thoughts like that with me. At least not anymore. If I remember correctly, I think it happened a bit more often when we first started dating. But things weren't quite right, and I probably got upset, etc. etc. But now, daily life and schedules have cruelly stolen good chances for meaningful conversation. The day consists of stolen moments away to make quick phone calls...even while eating, while walking, hell, while talking to someone else, mouthing words. And then the night....argh, the brings uncontrollable fatigue and short tempers and sensitive souls.

If it is me who has pushed him away from anything but superficial conversation, I want to fix that...make time for it, communicate through e-mails instead, etc.- any other ideas that would help, I'm willing. If it is himself that makes him hesitate, then I want to help him through this.

I hate how this seems like a message to him; it isn't. It's just me. My thoughts, my whatevers. My outlet. Caution- high voltage. Hahaha. Aw, I crack myself up. Hey, there's one person who appreciates me, however fleeting the moment. Boo.

Before this becomes a ridiculous lament of self-pity and playing the victim, I shall sign off and preserve whatever dignity I have left, if any. Goodnight and good luck.

And P.S.- I had better not be following in the footsteps of Scott Turow...sheesh


So, although I thought that my life would be magically wonderful when the clock struck 3:30...okay, it was. If only for a little bit. I had my first practice test in my Torts class (first ever practice test in law school) and I think it went well. Granted, that could make it worse if, say, I think it went well and then my grade comes back and I completely messed up. But, for now, this feeling of accomplishment and success (at least over having completed the damn thing!) will stick with me for tonight. After this week of strange hard knocks, I will claim this moment of pride and happiness for myself.

After leaving school, I went to the grocery store, mainly to get Kleenex and stock up on fruit for the weekend. With so many damn assignments, it's looking like this will be another weekend where I probably won't reach out to civilization much, if it all. Is it weird that I look forward to that? I think not, because my days are spent being around lots of people and being on call for every professor. Thus, the quiet and solitude that the weekend promises sounds divine. But, I just remember that I am probably going to go to "church" on Sunday. But still, that keeps with the theme of introspection and calmness.

I am a bit happy right now. I just looked at the clock- 10:43 pm. Normally, at Vanderbilt, I would probably have come in from dinner with friends, and then be eating candy listening to music, or playing the Sims 2, or something equally cool. haha. But more than that, I would be feeling like a slight "loser" (it truly depends on your definition of fun...) because I would be able to hear all of the people in the hall, partying and "having fun". But tonight, I feel like an adult. Law school has been such a welcome jump from college. High school was pretty awesome, being in the IB program, with progressive kids who also took school seriously. But Vanderbilt was a jump backward- peer pressure, rich kids, slutty clothes, etc. I felt more lame in college than I ever did in high school, and that really bothered me. Granted, I finally found my niche of cool friends and validating activities.

But tonight, I'm a 22 year-old law student (that still sounds young! It IS young...) that people and the world evidently see as capable of choosing her path. On many days, this thought scares me. But tonight, I am so thankful that I am an "adult." I am not subject to random fire drills. I do not have to show my ID to get to my room. I could go for a late-night drive, drink wine and play Nintendo (which I did...teehee), or sit on my butt and cry...and no one would care (in the good way). I am finally free to guide my own life, to make my own choices. And it's a beautiful thing.

Reflecting on the topic that I just prattled on about, I am quite shocked. My boyfriend and I are not doing so well right now, and I intended to sit down and re-cap my night and my feelings, which are mainly self-hatred in various degrees. But instead, I ended up reflecting on the good thing about tonight. I'm not sure how long it's been since I truly found and deeply recognized a good thing in my life. Certainly not any time this week! What a beautiful thing, what a beautiful gift.


I'm trying not to lose my mind, and losing my mind in the process.

I've been talking so much lately about my "selfishness" and abundance of stress, etc. But am I just talking and not acting on anything? I hate that so much- talkers, not doers. I've always been a doer. And I still am. So I'm going to start doing. Start more self-care, more self-realization.

Yes. There. I feel better.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


Trying out new templates- why are there so few choices? Surely there are more somewhere, yes?

Gee, thanks Word of the Day:
varicolored: having a variety of colors.

Thanks; I never would have figured that out.

I wish this weren't orange- more on that later

I am feeling rather frustrated this morning. But then, alas, Lori saved me with quite laugh. But then I was outbid on eBay. Ah, the perils of modern life!

And seriously, I forgot what I even logged in to type. Very typical for me...poo! :(

Oh! I did remember something. At first, I thought about making this blog about all of my frustrations in life, and about how I hate people (sometimes). But there are many, many problems with that. First, that's just not who I am. Second, if people found only that, they would think that I was only a grumpy gus! No good. And I forgot all the other reasons.

But having said that, there will still be a significant amount of whining, I'm sure. For now: My long-awaited bowl of cereal was tainted by sour milk!!

And Scott Turow can eat a butt.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ahhh, Breathe...

Well, the title says it all. I've come a long way from my high school blog (still available upon request ;) ) and it just felt right to start a new blog with what feels like the start of my adult life.