So, although I thought that my life would be magically wonderful when the clock struck 3:30...okay, it was. If only for a little bit. I had my first practice test in my Torts class (first ever practice test in law school) and I think it went well. Granted, that could make it worse if, say, I think it went well and then my grade comes back and I completely messed up. But, for now, this feeling of accomplishment and success (at least over having completed the damn thing!) will stick with me for tonight. After this week of strange hard knocks, I will claim this moment of pride and happiness for myself.
After leaving school, I went to the grocery store, mainly to get Kleenex and stock up on fruit for the weekend. With so many damn assignments, it's looking like this will be another weekend where I probably won't reach out to civilization much, if it all. Is it weird that I look forward to that? I think not, because my days are spent being around lots of people and being on call for every professor. Thus, the quiet and solitude that the weekend promises sounds divine. But, I just remember that I am probably going to go to "church" on Sunday. But still, that keeps with the theme of introspection and calmness.
I am a bit happy right now. I just looked at the clock- 10:43 pm. Normally, at Vanderbilt, I would probably have come in from dinner with friends, and then be eating candy listening to music, or playing the Sims 2, or something equally cool. haha. But more than that, I would be feeling like a slight "loser" (it truly depends on your definition of fun...) because I would be able to hear all of the people in the hall, partying and "having fun". But tonight, I feel like an adult. Law school has been such a welcome jump from college. High school was pretty awesome, being in the IB program, with progressive kids who also took school seriously. But Vanderbilt was a jump backward- peer pressure, rich kids, slutty clothes, etc. I felt more lame in college than I ever did in high school, and that really bothered me. Granted, I finally found my niche of cool friends and validating activities.
But tonight, I'm a 22 year-old law student (that still sounds young! It IS young...) that people and the world evidently see as capable of choosing her path. On many days, this thought scares me. But tonight, I am so thankful that I am an "adult." I am not subject to random fire drills. I do not have to show my ID to get to my room. I could go for a late-night drive, drink wine and play Nintendo (which I did...teehee), or sit on my butt and cry...and no one would care (in the good way). I am finally free to guide my own life, to make my own choices. And it's a beautiful thing.
Reflecting on the topic that I just prattled on about, I am quite shocked. My boyfriend and I are not doing so well right now, and I intended to sit down and re-cap my night and my feelings, which are mainly self-hatred in various degrees. But instead, I ended up reflecting on the good thing about tonight. I'm not sure how long it's been since I truly found and deeply recognized a good thing in my life. Certainly not any time this week! What a beautiful thing, what a beautiful gift.